Coming to a Concensus as a Family

This week's lesson was about completing effective communication. What interested me the most was how successful families come to a consensus.

Notice that I did not write "decision", but rather, " consensus". In my opinion, it is a challenge to have a group conversation that ends in everyone coming to one conclusion. It seems that whoever holds the most power usually decides which path to follow and there is no consensus. I researched a hypothesis on who typically holds more power in a relationship. It is called the Resource Theory. In summary, this theory defines the most powerful people to be those who have education and provide financial income.

I would like to invite whoever is reading this to think of 3 couples you know. List who holds the power in terms of the Resource Theory. (Who is the breadwinner? Who has more education?). Now, circle whoever is the dominant decision maker in the relationship. Is it the person that matches the hypothesis of the Resource Theory?

When we completed this activity in class, we found that the majority of our results did not always fit within the definition of the Resource Theory. For example, many people who listed a nuclear family (a homemaker mother and a bread-winning father) found that it was the mother who held more power in the relationship. Most of the time, these women did not have a higher education. This lead us to wonder: What really decides who holds the power in a relationship?

We determined that the variables listed in the Resource Theory are not the only ones that determine who holds more power in a relationship. Here is a list of what we thought may contribute to many variables that determine this:

• spirituality

• ambition

• emotionally available to the children

• insistence

• mental illness

• buying without required to consult

• confidence

With the unavoidable power struggle that occurs in all relationships, it is daunting to believe that a true consensus could be achieved. However, there is research that outlines a pattern that could help a family during decision-making times.

In our class we observed a group of people who apply these patterns successfully. This group is the 12 apostles of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. Their more business-like counsels are simple enough for families to copy. Their typical meeting consists of:

1. Coming 15-20 minutes early to express love/appreciation for each other.

It is important to express love for each other in a family. For example, if someone is creating a problem that is being addressed through a

family counsel, they will be more apt to listen when they feel appreciated for the good aspects of their behavior. When they express their

love for others in their family, they will be aware of how much their family's opinion matters to them.

2. Begin the meeting with a prayer. They do this so that the main goal is clear. They wish only to do the Lord's will.

Although many families' ultimate goal may not be to do only God's will, it is useful to devise a paramount goal. For example, a couple

may decide that they will only make decisions that will benefit their children. Another example is how a family may only make choices based

on getting out of debt. When everyone is already aware of (and agree with) the predominant intention, they are more likely to work as a

group. The focus is no longer on what each individual wants, but on what will best aid the family as a whole.

3. They are willing to be open. They are not afraid to speak their mind. This is because of the environment that has been pre-arranged.

When the first two steps have already been completed, this pattern usually takes care of itself. However, to keep this pattern, each person has to be able to speak their true opinion without ridicule, interruptions, or blame. Also, each person needs to be dedicated to speaking

openly. If not, then there is the risk of the meeting being contributed to by one person.

4. They set a time and place for the next meeting. They meet monthly in the temple.

Many successful families will meet on a certain day at a certain time. For example, 4:00 on Sunday is usually not busy for most people. It is

also worth mentioning that they could choose a special place. Some peaceful places might include a park, the living room, or a mountain

canyon. Family councils do not only have to be called for when there is a large decision to make or a problem to be fixed.

5. They close with a prayer.

Again, this is to reinforce their ultimate goal. A family can reinforce their goal by simply stating it at the start and end of every meeting.

6. They have refreshments.

This makes the meeting more enjoyable. If refreshments are involved, those who attend have a positive experience to end the counsel with.

In my opinion, effectively making important decisions together is a predictor for the strength of a family. I grateful that I have been taught an effective pattern of coming to a conclusion with others. I hope that this benefits more than just me.