The focus in this week's class was effective parenting. Mostly, we followed the research of Dr. Micheal Popkin, an expert in the field of family counseling.
According to Micheal Popkin, the purpose of parenting is to protect and prepare children to thrive and survive in the world they will live. He advocated for stronger interrelationships between parents and children. For example, he observed that this is the most successful tool for parents to have when they must confront their teen. He believed that the more you seek to control a teen, the less influence you have over them.
Popkin developed a problem handling model for successful parenting. There is one question that will determine whether the parent(s) should intervene. This question is: Who owns this problem? When asking oneself this, it is important to determine who is most effected by the problem. Popkin emphasizes this question because he knows that the most successful parents let their children learn from the natural consequences as much as possible.
There are three types of consequences outlined by Popkin. The first is natural consequences, which occur without the parent needing to intervene. When discussing natural consequences, my class outlined an example. We discussed what it is like for a teenager to get their first car. If they live in Idaho, it is likely that they live some distance from a gas station. My teacher shared a story of when he forgot to fill up on his way home. When he got home, he realized that if he did not get gas he would have to ride the bus to school. When he told his mother of his predicament, she let the natural consequences follow. Instead of saving him, by fixing the problem, she told him that he could figure it out. Consequently, he rode the bus the next day. As a result, he never forgot to fill up his truck again.
I have a similar story of how my parents let the natural consequences teach me. As a new teenager, my father provided me with a truck, trailer, and lawn mower to start my own business. I still can't believe how much trust he put into a 14 year old. However, he needed assistance with the family landscaping business and he found a way to incorporate me. On one of the first days of the lawn mowing season, I was still learning to drive my stick-shift truck and long trailer. As to be expected, I accidentally hit a sprinkler head on my client's lawn. Simply put, the client was not pleased. Instead of bailing me out, my dad just told me that it was my business now. I needed to fix the problem with this cherished client. I ended up paying for the installment of a new sprinkler. However, I also learned that it is more important to be careful, instead of hurrying my way to another lawn. My dad taught me so much by giving me control over such a demanding and lucrative business. His faith in how I could handle everyday problems really showed how much he respected me.
It is important to to note that Popkin did not want parents to let their children learn from natural consequences if they are dangerous or the repercussion is to happen too far in the future. This is where the second type of consequence should be incorporated. The second type is the logical consequence. Logical consequences should be used when a parent intervenes. Logical consequences are those that the parent creates, but still relate to whatever caused the problem. They are to be used sparingly. In fact, Popkin outlined steps that should lead up to a logical consequence.
First, a parent should make a polite request for the problematic behavior to stop. If a parent first asks politely, the child has an opportunity to respond in a positive way. If this does not work, the parent is to use an "I" statement. An "I" statement is carried out in the following way: "When you... I feel... because... I would Like... ". "I" statements teach children to look at how their actions can affect others. If the "I" statement is unsuccessful, the parent should use a strong request. Strong requests are most effective when they are not used often. If a child continues, logical consequences should be initiated.
There are important aspects associated with logical consequences that will determine wheter they are successful. First, these consequences need to be discussed beforehand. This prevents the child from feeling like the logical consequence is unfair. Second, the logical consequence needs to be determined by both the parent and child during a discussion. This prevents the child from feeling like they have no power over their life. The final characteristic a logical consequence should have is how it needs to relate to the problem. For example, if a teen is misusing their phone, they get it taken away for a period of time. It is important that parents follow through with the consequences that they outline with their child. This is to prevent a child from feeling like their parents authority is not reliable or that their parents to do not care enough to see through the issue. It is equally important that parents allow their children to repent and try again. This teaches the child forgiveness.
The third type of consequence should never be used. It is punishment. A punishment is how a superior being controls an inferior being. When a parent raises their children with rewards or punishments, it is disrespectful. The message they are giving their child is "I'm your superior". Rewards and punishments stifle a child's ability to become capable to make their own decisions and ill fit to advance in this world.
I am grateful for this lesson because I think that it is tempting to raise children on rewards and punishments. I hope that I can use natural consequences as much as possible.